And now for something completley different
by Psychodahlia
Summary: A man speaks with Jesus. Reviews appreciated


"You don't get it."  
  
"Of course I don't get it! How am I here?"  
  
"Because I wanted you here."  
  
"But why?"  
  
"Because you are my child."  
  
"When was I ever your child? When did I ever do what you wanted?"  
  
"Whoever cares for these least brothers of mine..."  
  
"Heard it all before."  
  
"But you don't know what it means."  
  
"I never helped anyone out!"  
  
"No?"  
  
"I never gave money to the poor, I never..."  
  
"Not all help is monetary."  
  
"....."  
  
"And you have given to the poor. Your lover..."  
  
"See, I committed adultery. With another man no less."  
  
"All who are human sin."  
  
"But my sin..."  
  
"You helped him. You gave him acceptance, and he did the same for you."  
  
"Acceptance? I was murdered by people who didn't accept us!"  
  
"Do you hate those who murdered you?"  
  
"Well, I don't like them."  
  
"But do you hate them? If they understood what they had done and asked for it, would you forgive them?"  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"Forgiveness is the ultimate sign of peace."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"I don't hate you, you know."  
  
"Wha...?"  
  
"That's what you're thinking."  
  
"How do you...?"  
  
"It's the omnipotent thing."  
  
"Ohhhh. Cool. So, you don't hate me?"  
  
"I don't hate anyone. Those who call themselves my enemies are loved by me."  
  
"But they always told me I would burn in Hell."  
  
"That's not for them to decide. I love you and I want those I love to be happy."  
  
"So, you love me, even if I'm gay, right?"  
  
"You seem to have trouble understanding that. Yes, you're my child."  
  
"Well, it's just that I was always told you would hate me."  
  
"You can call it a misquote. Rest assured, I do love you. You're happiness and Jason's happiness is what I wanted."  
  
"Jason! Oh my...uh....cheese crackers! How is he? What's he doing....um....why....?"  
  
"Che....cheese crackers!"  
  
"Somehow, I never envisioned the Son of God laughing at the words 'cheese crackers'".  
  
"You think I lived more than three decades on Earth without once cracking a smile? Cheese crackers are funny!"  
  
"Cheese crackers?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"This is....you're not....I'm confused."  
  
"Don't worry about it, most people are."  
  
"It's just, you're not what I thought you'd be like."  
  
"What did you think I'd be like."  
  
"Well, I always imagined you'd be in robes for starters."  
  
"I always liked Hawaii print t-shirts. Very colorful."  
  
"Oh...ok."  
  
"Lane, lemme ask you something. I'm supposed to save humanity, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"How could I save humanity if I wasn't able to connect with ordinary people? I came to give hope to the ordinary guy. If I just sat up on some throne all day and wore long, flowing, white robes, it wouldn't be very convincing if I said I was here to save the world."  
  
"Makes sense. There was something I was going to ask you....about someone."  
  
"Jason."  
  
"Yes! How is he? Is he ok? What's he doing?"  
  
"He's with his mother. He's fine. He's mourning you."  
  
"But he's fine?"  
  
"Yes. As well as can be expected."  
  
"That's good."  
  
"It is. You did your job well."  
  
"Job?"  
  
"You healed him."  
  
"Um...say wha?"  
  
"Like I said, you gave him acceptance. That's a great gift and it healed him."  
  
"It did?"  
  
"Didn't you notice he cringed less and less the longer he stayed with you?"  
  
"Um...yeah."  
  
"And he took that art class at the university because you encouraged him to do so."  
  
"So...I helped him."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Wow. Is that why I'm here?"  
  
"That's part of it. I also wanted you here because you're a genuinely good person."  
  
"I don't follow."  
  
"You don't think you're a good person?"  
  
"I stole from a liquor store when I was fourteen years old! I tried cocaine when I was fifteen!"  
  
"You accepted help for both addictions."  
  
"Yeah, but..."  
  
"Nobody's perfect. But you were a good person."  
  
"If you say so."  
  
"And I do. You helped an old lady up the steps once."  
  
"....What?"  
  
"You helped an old lady up a flight of stairs."  
  
"So? What does that have to do with anything?"  
  
"You were nice to her for no reason whatsoever."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And that act of kindness proved your innate goodness. Being good isn't about doing something for a reward, it's about doing something for someone because you can."  
  
"So, helping some random little old lady up a flight of stairs was enough to get me into here?"  
  
"No, showing that you were a good person got you into here."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"Don't worry, you have all the time you need to figure it out."  
  
"You'll explain it to me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But...it's kinda...complicated."  
  
"Don't worry. I have all the time I need to explain it to you."  
  
Finite  
  
Everything belongs to God. Duh. 


End file.
